I Know You Are Watching Me.

What use is care? What good is watching for that matter? People are forever watching things. They should be seeing. I see the things I look at. I am a see-er.” 
― Patrick Rothfuss

I could feel them. Over two hundred pairs of eyes silently watching me. I knew they were watching me, because they all once would speak to me. Now they were just quiet. They listened to every word and watched what I posted. At times they directed posts at me. There were times I would speak up, from the heart about issues that really resonated with me and I would only get chided. They were trying to keep me in line. If they could not do it publicly they would send me private messages. Some were really concerned, others I could sense fear lying under the surface of their messages. They threatened to end their friendships with me and at first I was confused as to why. I was not kicked out, I just was leaving behind something that no longer fit into my life. My life was getting bigger and I had to change shoes.

They were all watching my life, as it started to blossom. I had long since stopped immersing myself in that constricting, controlling environment. I had been reading and soaking up information, my brain was expanding with new ideas and amazing ways of seeing things. So my thoughts eventually changed as I could easily see through a lot of things that once held me captive. As my thoughts were being adjusted, my speech changed. I could not live a lie anymore. I wanted a real life and as I was moving forward, I realized life was indeed good, it was sweet and getting sweeter every day. I had a bright hope for the future, for a change. I finally had figured out that the place where I once was, it was part of a process of growing up. I needed to be there just long enough to understand that I could leave with confidence and without fear or guilt. I could leave behind what I had once believed because I had taken the time to pull it all apart and see for myself what it really was. I was free, but to a degree.

What started to happen was that I developed an inner struggle expressing the magnitude of my metamorphism. I wanted to share with others that life can be lived with zest and that there is something bigger, way bigger to look forward to. I was choking on the fact that love is the most powerful force in the Universe and if we just learned to harness it, our lives will expand. But these eyes on me, boy oh boy, they were making me bite my tongue, because even though I realized this is my journey, I wanted to protect them to some degree. I had already decided how I was going to use my voice. I wanted to allow them the choice to find me on their own and not have to look at my expressions by force of a conditional friendship. 

If they wanted to know the truth, then they'd have to make a bold, new choice.

So I took the light saber of love and cut all those two hundred plus people out of my life. I did not make exceptions. Friends or family, they were all gone in one single week long swoop. I did not cry, I was never upset, nor was I regretful as I cleaned my house. Afterwards, there was a unbearable lightness of being. Suddenly, at a full force my voice came out. I was speaking out loud about love. Relief. Peace. Purpose.

Do I ever think about them? Sometimes, but I really don't miss them much. I have figured that if they want to find me, they know where I am. They know my "name". I see some of them in certain places on the information super-highway and I smile and wave. I say silently to them: this is your choice now. You cannot silence me. You can listen. You can watch me. You can wonder: How is she able to be so free and happy? I found a secret. Keep watching this space.

I made a decision a while back that I was going to use my voice in a way that you may not have ever thought of. I am using it right now and you are listening. 

I know you are watching me, but do you really see? Keep watching. I have something for you and you may just like it! It's unbelievable, but true.


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