Spiritual Awareness: A Heart At Peace

The moment you realize that you can have everything you want in life.
However, it takes timing, the right heart, the right actions, the right passion and a willingness to risk it all.
If it is not yours, it is because you really didn’t want it, need it or God prevented it.
-Shannon Alder

I was always one of those really aware kids. I spent most of my childhood communicating with God mainly because I did not grow up with a father. He is the best guiding force I have had. I came to implicitly trust that relationship and watched as I always seemed to be guided and watched over by some invisible hand throughout my life.  What you are about to read is a clear example of that.

When I was sixteen, I had a conversation with God about what I wanted to experience with the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I made a simple list of characteristics that described this type of person. I wanted someone who was strong, kind, generous and loving, someone I could love, look up to and with whom I could build a good life. I was even more specific in asking that this person did not have to be famous or rich. I guess I added those two caveats because I noticed all my young girlfriends tended to idolize celebrities. But I knew that wealth and fame did not necessarily mean happiness. I just wanted a simple nice guy to fall in love with.
Pray for guidance

When I turned nineteen, unknown to me at the time, God started dropping hints that this person was about to enter my life, but I missed the signs. I would not realize until years later and looking back that he was trying to tell me to pay attention. Nevertheless, the person appeared and when they did, at first I was completely unaware of who they were. I met this person in the most unlikely place and kept crossing paths with them. I was not attracted to this person mainly because they fit into those two caveats that I did not care for. But this person was so persistent that I finally agreed to go out with them.

To this day I do not recall many of the details of that date. But what has always stayed with me was coming home, sitting in a dark cold living room and asking myself: Who is this person? Something about that night and being with that person had struck me strongly and left me shaken. That is when I started to do two things I had never done with anyone else up until that point: pay extremely close attention and write down everything that occurred around this odd circumstance. I paid so much attention and internalized many things. I did not say much about what I was feeling. But my journals got the best of those moments. I wrote down everything that was said and done, because I wanted to make sure I was not making things up in my head. I wrote for posterity and clarity. I wanted to make sure this person could never say I made it all up. I am grateful today that I did this, because I was able to eventually go back and put the pieces together and finally see the big picture.
Some of my journals over the years.

There were so many things that transpired over the time that I got to know this person. Many of these left huge impressions on my soul. I always felt differently than anyone else around this person. I felt the incessant need from early on to preserve a sense of privacy in our dealings with each other. There was this odd sense of familiarity, as if I had known them all my life. I also hit me when I was listening to this person speak to me one day that I was going to know them for a very long time.

I vividly recall one night looking at them thinking what I was feeling is only reserved for the person I was to spend the rest of my life with. That thought jarred my senses, because I literally hear it being said! I also had these intense and haunting dreams that kept telling me what the connection was going to be, but I stayed in denial. I always felt I was the best version of myself when I was around this person. I felt like I belonged to them which I had never felt before with anyone else, the growing attachment petrified me. I would break things off with this person; get involved with other people only to find myself being pulled back like a magnet to the situation.

But the most telling feeling was one of peace and a rightness that I could not shake. Everything kept screaming: This is the one. But I was young and all this information was very disconcerting and confusing. The person intrinsically felt like whom I asked for, but everything about them, especially their lifestyle was so out of sync with my request. So I struggled and fought against the whole progress.

Eventually, becoming so overwhelmed and scared, I ran back to a place where I thought I would be safe and far away from something that completely confused me. But in finally breaking away I experienced the most heart-wrenching soul ache. It was as if I was ripping my heart away from something solid. I just could not understand that what I was feeling was that binding love that you discover within yourself for another person.

Life went on. I would still however be haunted by the experience, telling myself it was all in my head. I kept trying to convince myself that I was wrong, that it was not the right place or the right person. Besides, I could not get answers to those nagging questions that would have clarified things. So I eventually moved on and found someone else and entered the life of marriage.

It was in that relationship that I started to begin to understand what felt right and what felt wrong. It’s in that place of discovery I started to write again. I would still cross paths with this person occasionally and I was always trying to understand what their presence meant to my life and why I kept feeling like I was always being pulled back to them.

However, over time and through many misunderstandings, I eventually had to let go the situation. I became focused on the relationship at hand even though it did not feel quite right where I was.

Then one day my life felt apart, but in a good way. My marriage ended and I was embarking on a new way of living. I realize now it was during this timeframe that my awakening started. During this process and out of the blue, I was suddenly reconnected with the very person I had spent years running from and struggling with. When the re-engagement occurred I stopped and looked at it and realized that something bigger was at play.

So, I walked back into the situation with eyes wide open and prepared to face everything once and for all. I knew more than anything else I was supposed to lean heavily on spiritual guidance to walk the path this time. I asked for answers and direction.
I got more than I could ever believe. I finally got a clear understanding of what this whole process was about.

I was directed to go back and read those old journals and that’s where I saw God’s hand in the whole matter. I realized that I was more aware than the other person about what was really happening. I could see their confusion growing and felt the fear inside them and sensed their eventual pulling away from me. But I understood that my role at this juncture was only to help the person become aware of what was really emerging in both our lives. I realized I was only there to speak truth and love and to leave that divine impression on them.

Many times those words came directly from a higher source and not entirely me. It’s scary to bare your soul or to say things that another person may seem a bit odd. But the words came flooding out at times. Speaking those words of truth actually set me free of twenty seven years of angst and confusion, because I realized holding in the expression of love is unnatural and wears on the soul.

I have learned some important lessons from this entire experience; the most important is the beauty of unconditional love. I am truly amazed at how powerful it can be. I now understand that certain types of relationships are solely meant to elevate our spirit and give us a chance to experience things of great potential.  I also learned that you can feel an enormous amount of love for a person and still be able to let them go so that they can pursue whatever path they need to that will bring them happiness. Despite what you may feel or want, you know it’s best to stay out of their way. Genuine love is a truly unselfish emotion. It just trusts and allows the whole process to unfold.

I’ve looked back over my life and now see how God has been behind every single step that I have taken on this part of the journey.  Because I see how he has led me to and through things, I keep my hands to myself and allow him to work things out, because he knows best. If it is meant for me to eventually be able to share his love with this person, then he will bring it to pass. He has done amazing things before without my involvement so I do not worry. I know where I am now; I am to focus on this beautiful purpose he has given me and not worry about the future. I live in the place of Now, open and in space of allowing. He has made sure that I am comforted in the kindest and most honorable ways to make up for what I have lovingly sacrificed. I am at peace about the whole story because I know I did my part and followed through as I was supposed to.

I have always believed if you love something you should let it go, if it returns to you it’s yours. If it does not it never was. I have been amazed by what has always returned to me. At the same time I know that if it does not return to me again, there will be a much greater reward waiting for me than I can even imagine.

From the very onset of this experience, almost close to thirty years, from the heart of a sixteen year old girl who always knew what she wanted, I approached things from a spiritual mindset, leaving it all in God’s loving hands. When you realize something bigger is at play, stand back and allow that force to do its job, knowing that the job will be done well and in perfection. If you follow Divine Guidance you cannot go wrong. Listen and let it guide your heart and soul to a place of sweet peace.

Live The Beautiful Life.


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